Welcome

A Memory Tree is designed to enhance the lives of others by helping to record, share and remember special moments, events and people. At http://www.amemorytree.co.nz/ you can currently search tens of thousands of death listings that were published in every daily New Zealand newspaper since December 2006, the most comprehensive search available.

In addition to our website we wanted to create a space where people can share their views on related topics ; death, dying, family history and memories.

This is our blog.

Greeting Cards – Go Green or Go Online

Every year billions of paper greeting cards are bought and sold and, despite the introduction of e-cards in the 1990’s, there seems to be no slowing up on consumption.

In the USA and UK the average person buys around 30 cards a year. American consumers purchase approximately 7 billion greeting cards annually and in the UK, over 2 billion.  If aligned end-to-end, nine billion cards would stretch around the world 54 times (nearly 2.2 million kms).

Given similar buying habits, the Australasian greeting card sales is guesstimated to be around 1 billion cards a year.

To meet these three countries greeting card markets alone over 312,000 trees (78,000 tonnes of paper) is needed, and that’s just the card alone – never mind the envelope. Add to that the by-products (inks, dyes and glues), postage, fuels consumed in manufacturing and distribution, and it seems like madness to continue this tradition at a time where every little bit helps both environmentally and financially.

So why do we continue this age-old tradition when new technology obviously does a much better job of things?

Greeting cards may date back to the ancient Chinese who exchanged messages of goodwill and the Egyptians who sent greetings via papyrus scrolls, but the first documented evidence is in the late Middle Ages when messages of love were exchanged at Valentines Day.

However it was 1846 when the first commercial card was made in the UK and, with the introduction of the postage stamp, by the late 1870’s greeting cards had surged in popularity and were being mass produced both in the UK and US. Aggressive marketing throughout the twentieth century has now resulted in a plethora of greeting card varieties, from specific people to any type of event or holiday imaginable.

Receiving greeting cards is part of our psyche. We don’t send paper cards without good reason; we seldom receive without them meaning something. The have higher emotional value than e-cards.

Marketers of cards in the US, the Greeting Card Association, share some interesting statistics which appear to apply, given the similar category domination on our local shelves.

• More than 90 percent of all U.S. households buy greeting cards
• The average household purchases 30 individual cards in a year
• The average person receives more than 20 cards a year
• About one-third of all cards received are birthday cards
• Women purchase more than 80 percent of all greeting cards
• Women are more likely than men to buy several cards at once
• Men generally spend more on a single card than women
• Greeting cards range widely in price
• There are two categories of greeting cards — Seasonal and Everyday – sales are split approximately 50-50 between the two
• The most popular Everyday cards are Birthday (60%), Anniversary (8%), Get Well (7%), Friendship (6%), and Sympathy cards (6%)
• The most popular Seasonal cards are Christmas (60%), Valentine’s Day (25%), Mother’s Day (4%), Easter (3%), and Father’s Day (3%) cards.

And while e-mail, text messaging and phone calls are valued tools for communicating with family and friends, the majority say they prefer the old-fashioned handwritten card or letter to make them feel truly special.

If you’re inclined to stick with traditional card buying there’s some things that you can do to lessen the environmental impact.

1. 1. Go Green – make environmentally friendly shopping choices and buy cards that are manufactured using recycled paper. There are various levels of recycled content; the higher the better:

• GOOD: The greeting card mentions recycled content in any way.
• BETTER: The greeting card makes a claim of “100% recycled paper.”
• BEST: The greeting card makes a claim of “100% recycled paper” with “100% post-consumer content (PCC)” specified. Another environmental plus to look for is chlorine-free paper. Companies such as Recycled Paper Greetings Inc (the fourth largest greeting card company in the world) cards are widely available in usual card outlets. MessageMark here in New Zealand, is available at design stores or online.

1. 2. Recycle – cards are easily re-used. The World Environment Organisation has a few creative suggestions:

• Use them as a bookmarks
• Make them into a gift tag by cutting the old card into a smaller shape
• Cut off the side with the picture (if there is no writing on the reverse side) and re-use it as a post card
• Donate to schools and kindergartens, they are a great resource for children’s art
• If you have to dump them, use your recycle bin.

1. 3. Only buy paper cards you actually will use. Do not buy more than you need. Draft out your message before committing it to the card, avoiding mistakes.

On the emotional flipside of the greeting business, there are gazillions of e-cards sent every day.  No matter how much someone loves you, the majority of people don’t want the cards they received because the “rules of specialness” have been ignored.

It’s at this stage I want to share “my rules of specialness” regarding the sending and receiving of e-cards.

• Save it for a real occasion and be selective
• Take as much time and thought into selecting just the right e-card as you would at the book store for a paper card
• If you can’t do the above points, then don’t send an e-card
• When you have received an e-card of value, that makes you feel good, acknowledge the sender and thank them.

The same principles apply to other quirky emails. Don’t forward for the sake of it. I don’t like my mailbox jammed and my bandwidth consumed with this kind of mail.

Compulsive senders also remember if you overuse this service you’ll also ruin the opportunity to use e-cards to your financial advantage WITHOUT looking cheap. Use e-cards sparingly. It will mean so much more.

Better Late than Never

In the case of remembering and honouring our loved ones, better late than never cannot be more poignant.

I believe that to not record your memories and stories is depriving future generations of learning more about their ancestors, thus gaining a better understanding of their place in the world today.

Interestingly, as a species, we humans have known this for thousands of years.

Storytelling was always a way for people to learn about their role in society, the values they were to aspire to and, most importantly, what and who to respect and fear – essential in learning to stay alive.

Recently I looked at the stories inherited from my forefathers and found that those told by my living ancestors are few and far between. Those that do exist are very thin on detail. I was quite disappointed but discovered many of NZ Europeans have limited connection with their past.

Or so I thought ….

After a little digging I found that while we may not have the detailed stories and myths, we have language and proverbs which were created by our ancestors and apply to us as much today as they did hundreds of years ago.

Take a look at English writer John Heywood (1497-1580) who was known for his plays, poems, and collection of proverbs – he even supposedly coined the phrase “better late than never”.

He recorded a wide range of proverbs, many of which already appeared in prior writings, so it is unlikely that he actually invented them, but regardless of their origin we still commonly use them today. And that was 500 years ago!!

The following famous epigrams are found in his writings.

• What you have, hold.
• Haste maketh waste. (1546)
• Out of sight out of minde. (1542)
• When the sun shineth, make hay. (1546)
• Look ere ye leap. (1546)
• Two heads are better than one. (1546)
• Love me, love my dog. (1546)
• Beggars should be no choosers. (1546)
• All is well that ends well. (1546)
• The fat is in the fire. (1546)
• I know on which side my bread is buttered. (1546)
• One good turn asketh another. (1546)
• A penny for your thought. (1546)
• Rome was not built in one day. (1546)
• Better late than never. (1546)
• An ill wind that bloweth no man to good. (1546)
• The more the merrier. (1546)
• You cannot see the wood for the trees. (1546)
• This hitteth the nail on the head. (1546)
• No man ought to look a given horse in the mouth. (1546)
• Many hands make light work. (1546)

From the Germanic half of my gene-pool there are also many proverbs that hold true today as they did many hundreds of years ago.

While I couldn’t seem to drum up too much information on John Heywood, and I seriously doubt we’re related, the research I did do made me realise that my great-great-great…grandparents from way back then were actually using the same proverbs then as we do today.

This gives me a sense of belonging. But as for uncovering the intimate family stories I’d like, I haven’t got that. And that is what memories help us do, reveal how truly unique an individual person is.

Is it not true that most employees think that they are great at their job, but it is never confirmed until you get the opinions of their workmates and employer? It’s then you get a more comprehensive, real picture of the person.

It’s also not possible for us to all be good drivers (even though we think we are) when so many of us end up in scrapes.

The perspectives and experiences of others have help complete the picture.

Sharing your memories is an extremely generous thing to do, to help others understand us and those we care about.

Anyway, as John Heywood would say ….

A penny for your thought? (1546) …. Nah I share mine for free.

A Memory Tree on Good Living on CTV

Introducing A Memory Tree and the inspiration that inspired its creation

Aisling Symes – why we reacted they way we did

My daughter is now 10 but I well remember the hapless, mischievous wobbly toddler she was eight years ago. So when two year old Aisling Symes went missing earlier this month only to be tragically found a week later in an underground drain, it struck a raw nerve, as it did seemingly with every parent in the country.

Why? Because it could have happened to anyone of us and we can never blame Aisling’s mother for what she will blame herself for.

We all know that children are natural explorers and when you put them down somewhere they seldom stay put. But usually they are like kittens, and we fierce mother lions, and they never stray too far.

I was a ferocious lioness who watched her child like a hawk but even I have ‘lost’ my daughter because when she wanted to go, she went and when did she was extremely quick and very, very quiet! I am not a bad parent rather a lucky one that her curiosity took her around a supermarket, not a street!

The panic and horror Aisling’s parents went through for that week is not the kind of shoes anyone of us would ever care to walk in. And while we can only imagine Aisling’s last day here, no words or actions or recriminations will bring her back.

However there is one burning issue in my mind and perhaps a lesson we can learn …….

The question: -  Why would the police seemingly buy-in to the abduction theory so quickly?

Why didn’t they look further into the drain on day one? Surely if the potential for the child to fall in was there, which we’re assuming was why they looked there in the first place, they would have thoroughly searched the entire drain, not just 5 metres either side of the manhole.

This seems all the more bizarre given the drain was so close to her home and she’d only been out of her mothers site for 5 minutes.

To the uneducated outsider, it appears the abduction scenario seemed more ‘plausible’ for the police. No doubt, the report of an Asian woman being in the area further escalated the situation.

So why is that?

I can only hope that information was distorted in the hysteria, rather than police knowing the potential for child abduction was likely.

None of us can deny there is too much brutal crime. Missing people, other than those on an outdoor adventure, are quickly thought of as victims of foul play …. and all too often are.

We live in a society where crime is high, mindless and plain cruel. Police know all to well there are brutal criminals living in our neighbourhoods. There is no shortage of recent  tragic stories of criminals bringing more pain and suffering when released early from the prison. Recidivism levels are high. The system is, and has for a long time, failed.

In the streets why have fisti-cuffs escalated into brutal “kick a man to death even though he is already unconscious” animalistic behavior? Why do people abduct children; murder, rape and torture each other?

We rely on our police to protect us, but it seems the laws do not help them to do this.

While Aisling Symes now rests in peace and her parents grieve the loss of their beautiful daughter and the future they had planned with her, we can learn again the lesson that life is precious, it can be taken away in an instant. And it can happen without fault or blame.

But we are also reminded that there is ill in our society where crime pays and we live in fear.

As a community you can do a lot in supporting each other.

Action that makes a difference:-

1. As an individual you have power to make a difference by having your say. Vote, be heard!     http://www.elections.org.nz/enrolment/how-to-enrol/

2. Support organization’s like the Sensible Sentencing Trust who apply pressure as a group to pressure the government for change.     http://www.safenz.org.nz/

3. Politician’s are accessible. Write to them (they will reply). Tell them how important a safe community is for you and your neighbours.     http://www.parliament.nz/en-NZ/MPP/MPs/

4. Get to know your neighbours. It just takes one proactive person to start to build a community that looks out for each other.    http://www.police.govt.nz/safety/home.neighbourhoodsupport.html

 

Rest in Peace Aisling. Your life will be remembered by many. I did not know you, but you wakened a community to the fragility of life, to the dangers and to our strengths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funeral Planning

In recent weeks I have had the opportunity to meet with many funeral homes and the hot topic is just how diverse each funeral can be and the difficulties families can face in the decision making process.

There’s a lot of choices to be made in a very short period of time when you are likely to be highly emotional. If your loved one hasn’t made any pre-arrangements, the task can be overwhelming.

Your funeral home is there to meet the needs of the family at this time but their job can become extremely difficult if there are several family groups wanting conflicting arrangements. Therefore it’s important to identify one person in your group to liaise with the funeral home.

The funeral directors will discuss the funeral options with families, often leaving brochures and pamphlets for you to mull over in the days that follow.

Don’t feel rushed into making a decision about the funeral arrangements, give yourself time to think and, if needed, contact other family members or friends who can support you through this process.

It’s  likely that the first thing you will want to do is notify family and friends. Get others to help you do this.

After phoning or emailing people in your immediate circle, a Death Notice can be submitted to your local or national newspaper. This can also be submitted by your funeral home to a website such as www.amemorytree.co.nz for friends and family further afield to read and leave messages for you.

The Death Notice usually holds a lot of information about the deceased person and advises the reader where and when the funeral is to be held.

At this time you will also need to make some decisions about the funeral arrangements and the first of these are usually:

-          Public Service or Private Service

-          Burial or Cremation

-          Place of internment

Don’t forget – there is often the option for you to have your loved one in your home before the funeral. This is a personal decision but has been known to help with the grieving especially if there was no time to say goodbye.

Funerals are commonly sad times where happy memories are recalled and close friends and work colleagues may ask to speak, or you may invite others to do readings or say something on your behalf. Favourite songs and hymns can be played. Flowers and plants can have special significance at the ceremony. Your funeral home will take the lead role in making your requests a reality.

Guest books are a good record of who attended the funeral  and online remembrance pages are the perfect way for others to leave special words of support and fond memories on before and after the service. There are many options available, but choose a provider that is able to store these pages for you.

For information on differing cultural protocols surrounding death visit http://amemorytree.co.nz/customs.php

New ways to Communicate

When someone dies it is hard to go about letting other people know. Technology these days has a helping hand in providing communication that is easier to use in times of grief, without the need to physically face others. Whilst it may seem a little impersonal to some, texting on cell phones and emailing can pass messages quickly and easily to extended family and friends. It seems this is now an acceptable way of communicating in times of loss, and has the added advantage of creating a potentially lasting message which can be saved and read at a later time.

These messages of support are so important for the grieving process and also for passing memories on to future generations, so it makes sense to embrace the new technology. With the advent of social community networking systems on the Internet communicating is easier, but not always presented in a suitable setting. At A Memory Tree we wanted to create a special place to record these memories and messages that was accessible and appropriate for all. See our Remembrance Pages at http://www.amemorytree.co.nz.

Parentless

Just lost your parents?

I remember the story that a friend told me after her father died, her mother had passed on a few years earlier.

She told me that losing her parents had been a big stressor in many ways.

Most unexpectedly however was  the feeling that she’d finally grown up after her Dad died. I asked her what she meant, she was 55 years old after all.

“Now there’s no one looking after me. I had always knew Mum and Dad where there for me and even though I have children and grandchildren of my own, I still had this safety net of my parents.

 “Now I’m the matriarch of the family and that buffer between me and the end of my life has gone.”

“I feel like I’ve been forced to grow up quick smart, face my own mortality, it’s quite a blow and I don’t know if I really want this responsibility!

It made me realize how lucky I am to have my parents still but also made me question my feelings surrounding being a daughter and a “grown up” at the same time. I came to the conclusion, despite my sometimes volatile relationship with my Mum, I am still her little big girl and I like that I can turn to her or Dad when the chips are down.

But of course my parents won’t always be there and, like my friend, I’m not so sure I want to be the matriarch in my family. I think that’s why collecting family stories has become more important as I grow older, it helps keep my colourful family intact for generations that follow.

Remembering these special people; who they are, what they did and how they were; is powerful stuff that helps us understand ourselves and our place in the world.

If you are parentless and have a story to share about your experience, we’d like to hear it.

Widowed

Losing a life partner at anytime of your life can be like losing a limb.

Widowed after 46 years of marriage, my mother-in-law suddenly found she was living a life so different from the one she had all her life.

The traditional role of wife and mother had overnight extended to financier, gardener, handyman and chief decision maker. Topped off with the loss of her nearest and dearest, her life became very stressful.

After the plethora well wishers moved on to their normal lives and financial matters were settled, her sense of purpose was challenged. We worried about her a great deal.

It’s been a few years and now and Grandma has actually flourished despite our concerns. She’s successfully re-homed herself and manages all her affairs better than most of us do.

However it is the loneliness that is her greatest pain, it brings on boredom and with boredom comes a great deal of time to worry away about life, relationships, the economy.

Have you a surviving parent, or are you a widower? Can you share your story with the group?

Genealogy

We will probably never know why some people are driven to collect family history and trace their lineage, while others give less than a cursory interest in the subject.

I would hazard a guess that many of those searching for their family links are people who are looking for their connection to the world. In western cultures all too often we seem to be lacking in ‘stories’ that have successfully transcended generations.

For many indigenous people, such as the Maori and Aborigines, story-telling is an inherent part of their culture and connection to tribes and the history is vitally important for their sense of self and belonging.

Today’s often chaotic world doesn’t offer much of a connection to anything.

There’s so many kinds of families today that the traditional nuclear family is more of a rarity than the norm.

So how do the keen genealogists do it?

We’d like to hear about some successful searches and how key information was obtained. Can you help this discussion?

Children & Grief

How do kids grieve? There’s scores of books on kids and grief. In a nutshell, you can’t control grief it has to take its course and that may take some time. Therefore patience and understanding are paramount.

In a child’s world, especially under 10 years of age, life is very egocentric. That means, the children believe that they have are the centre of everything around them. If someone dies, young children are often unable to see it from any other perspective other than their own.

It is not uncommon for children to take on the responsibility of the loss, or the sadness of the grieving of family. An enormous and unrealistic burden for anyone, especially a young child!

There are many great books available to help you help your child through their grief.

Visit the library at www.amemorytree.co.nz .

Help others by sharing your story here.